Just a reminder

Just wanted to let everyone know that what you see right here on this page is not all of my stuff, if you want to read all my poems, remember to click on the older posts link toward the bottom of the page, or go to the link on the right-hand side and click on the previous months. Thanks for all the support and encouragement.

Expectations

People think I'm happy because I smile,
But how much more can I fake,
Before everyone else's expectations of me,
Finally, make me break.
To you I'm an ordinary girl,
Living an ordinary life,
But inside I am dying,
From this constant inner strife.
So when I'm doing well,
Please, be considerate and gentle,
Because inside I'm still fragile,
For my disease is internal, mental.
I know it's hard to understand,
How someone's thoughts can so control them,
Completely cripple and disable,
Turn upside-down the world they live in.
But it does and it's scary,
And it's hard when no one understands,
But being there for me can do wonders,
Because your support loosens my mental bands.

The way I used to feel

I found this in my little notebook I always carry with me. I use it to write down how I'm feeling, thoughts, ideas, stuff like that. And I found this entry from a while ago, and it pained me to read about how horrible I used to feel. Anyway, here is what I'd written:

I recently had a very bad week. It was just one thing after another, back to back. I had a mini-breakdown, I just couldn't deal with it all anymore. My husband called my parents and asked them to come over, because he didn't know what to do. I didn't know that he'd called them until they arrived. I just laid in bed and my mom held me.
One of the realizations I'd had that was my breaking point was the fact that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life, it will never just go away, and there is really nothing anyone can do to help save me from myself. Sure, they can be there fore me, and sure, I can go to counseling, but nothing will ever take it all away. There will always be this horrible sadness, waiting in the depths of my mind, to one day completely devour me. This is what broke me, this is what terrified me, this was my realization.
My husband had asked if there was anything he could do for me and I simply burst into tears saying, "There's nothing anyone can do for me, no one can take this away."
I just get so tired of having to deal with it all, of keeping myself in check. I just get so tired. So I guess my real question is: How do you hide from something you can never escape? How do you ignore the enormous elephant in the room that no one else can see? How do you cope when you feel like you're sinking inside yourself?
Sometimes, I feel like no one understands. It's like standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of your lungs and nobody can hear you. You're drowning in yourself and no one knows how to rescue you.
What scares me most is that sometimes hospitalization doesn't sound like a bad thing. I would be able to rest and relax and not have to worry about anything. And then I am mortified for even thinking such a thing, worrying about how that would affect my family and those I love.
Sometimes I just want someone to be able to fix me, to pick up the broken pieces and place them where they belong. But since we don't live in a perfect world, I won't delude myself with any thoughts of a cure. I know everyone has their struggles and no one has it easy, or is happy all the time, but I would just like to be normal and experience those feelings without an overwhelming sense of dread and despair.

Reflected In Me

Oh, my sweet friend,
Where did you go?
What happened to the girl,
I used to know?
The light in your eyes,
Has become dull and gray.
Leaving your stare,
Seeming somewhat faraway.
But the solace you seek,
In that distant place.
Can’t find a way around,
The darkness you taste.
I see the desperation,
Filling your eyes.
Begging me to free you,
From your self-inflicted lies.
Despair has reared its ugly head,
Consuming, all you used to be.
And now when you look,
You no longer see,
The real you deep inside,
Who was once happy and free.
You feel you have lost her,
And she’ll never return.
But fear not, my sweet friend,
For the truth is simple you see.
Because reflected in my eyes,
You’ll find the real you, in me.

Feeling Great!

So I have been on my new meds for a month now and I feel fantastic! I feel so good in fact that I am having writers block when it comes to my poetry b/c I'm just not feeling that way anymore. So for a while you'll probably just here a lot of random rambling from me. :)