The way I used to feel

I found this in my little notebook I always carry with me. I use it to write down how I'm feeling, thoughts, ideas, stuff like that. And I found this entry from a while ago, and it pained me to read about how horrible I used to feel. Anyway, here is what I'd written:

I recently had a very bad week. It was just one thing after another, back to back. I had a mini-breakdown, I just couldn't deal with it all anymore. My husband called my parents and asked them to come over, because he didn't know what to do. I didn't know that he'd called them until they arrived. I just laid in bed and my mom held me.
One of the realizations I'd had that was my breaking point was the fact that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life, it will never just go away, and there is really nothing anyone can do to help save me from myself. Sure, they can be there fore me, and sure, I can go to counseling, but nothing will ever take it all away. There will always be this horrible sadness, waiting in the depths of my mind, to one day completely devour me. This is what broke me, this is what terrified me, this was my realization.
My husband had asked if there was anything he could do for me and I simply burst into tears saying, "There's nothing anyone can do for me, no one can take this away."
I just get so tired of having to deal with it all, of keeping myself in check. I just get so tired. So I guess my real question is: How do you hide from something you can never escape? How do you ignore the enormous elephant in the room that no one else can see? How do you cope when you feel like you're sinking inside yourself?
Sometimes, I feel like no one understands. It's like standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of your lungs and nobody can hear you. You're drowning in yourself and no one knows how to rescue you.
What scares me most is that sometimes hospitalization doesn't sound like a bad thing. I would be able to rest and relax and not have to worry about anything. And then I am mortified for even thinking such a thing, worrying about how that would affect my family and those I love.
Sometimes I just want someone to be able to fix me, to pick up the broken pieces and place them where they belong. But since we don't live in a perfect world, I won't delude myself with any thoughts of a cure. I know everyone has their struggles and no one has it easy, or is happy all the time, but I would just like to be normal and experience those feelings without an overwhelming sense of dread and despair.

Reflected In Me

Oh, my sweet friend,
Where did you go?
What happened to the girl,
I used to know?
The light in your eyes,
Has become dull and gray.
Leaving your stare,
Seeming somewhat faraway.
But the solace you seek,
In that distant place.
Can’t find a way around,
The darkness you taste.
I see the desperation,
Filling your eyes.
Begging me to free you,
From your self-inflicted lies.
Despair has reared its ugly head,
Consuming, all you used to be.
And now when you look,
You no longer see,
The real you deep inside,
Who was once happy and free.
You feel you have lost her,
And she’ll never return.
But fear not, my sweet friend,
For the truth is simple you see.
Because reflected in my eyes,
You’ll find the real you, in me.

Feeling Great!

So I have been on my new meds for a month now and I feel fantastic! I feel so good in fact that I am having writers block when it comes to my poetry b/c I'm just not feeling that way anymore. So for a while you'll probably just here a lot of random rambling from me. :)

Status update

So, I was finally able to get in to see a psychiatrist (which is like trying to go ice-skating in hell). I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar II disorder; which means I don't have the severe mania that is associated with bipolar I, I just get extremely irritable, can't sleep, and have racing thought which they call hypo-mania. Then, when I hit the lows, I hit the extreme lows. Fun stuff, right? Anyway, so that is what's going on with me. I was taken off one of my anti-depressants and had the other cut in half on the dosage. I was also put on a mood stabilizer which helps balance out my highs and lows. I am feeling a whole lot better now. I actually feel like a normal human being. I am able to be happy just because I'm happy. There doesn't have to be a reason for my happiness. I am able to actually do stuff, like take care of myself, my daughter, and my house. The dishes and laundry are finally getting done and the house is able to stay somewhat tidy (or at least as tidy as a three-year old will allow it to be). The only problems I've had have been adjusting to my new meds. I have a low tolerance with prescription meds and so for the first week I was super loopy and goofy. It seemed like I was high on something or was totally trashed. But my body has adjusted and now I just feel good.

What's normal?

What does everyone think about as they sit in the sterile, clean, waiting room? Do they all wonder if they're the only ones with any problems? Have any of them tried to commit suicide? They all look normal enough, but what are they hiding? What deep dark secrets do they hold? One woman looks extremely nervous as though she feels she doesn't belong here. One man seems completely indifferent, like he really doesn't care if he gets better or simply blows someone's brains out the back of their head. The last man looks confused and slightly irritated, like he knows he needs to be here, but hates the fact that he is. And me, you might ask? Well, I know I need to be here. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be, but we don't always get what we wish for. The people behind the desk busy themselves with their work, pretending that us waiting room people are perfectly normal; no crazies here! Yet, sometimes I wonder what normal is. Everyone has their little quirks, but where do you draw the line? Some people go to therapy to find meaning in their lives, others actually have issues, while some just want attention. Me? Well, I fit into the "actually have issues" category. A cocktail of medications and therapy keep me balanced and happy, without them, well its just not a pretty sight.

Inside Me It Screams

When you look at me, what do you see?
Do you see someone you like, or wish to be?
When I look at myself, do you know what I see?
I see a frightened child staring back at me.
Behind this mask of a face is what I won’t let you see,
Because the truth of what’s there is too ill to conceive,
A living thing of darkness has come to be.
Stretching and twisting it grows like a tree.
Inside me it screams as it tries to break free,
But how do you face a demon you can’t see?
It’s easier to pretend that you just don’t believe.
So behind a mask of splendor I hide the real me,
Because what’s underneath is too disturbing to see.

Candy Cottage

Once upon a time there was a girl
She lived in a beautiful cottage made of candy
But she was always asleep
Until one day she woke up
And all the walls came tumbling down
She cried out for help, but no one would listen
She was left trapped in the candy rubble
Wondering if she'd ever be saved
But as time passed, she remained unseen
And so the world grew weary of the girl,
Swallowing her up to be forever forgotten