Status update

So, I was finally able to get in to see a psychiatrist (which is like trying to go ice-skating in hell). I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar II disorder; which means I don't have the severe mania that is associated with bipolar I, I just get extremely irritable, can't sleep, and have racing thought which they call hypo-mania. Then, when I hit the lows, I hit the extreme lows. Fun stuff, right? Anyway, so that is what's going on with me. I was taken off one of my anti-depressants and had the other cut in half on the dosage. I was also put on a mood stabilizer which helps balance out my highs and lows. I am feeling a whole lot better now. I actually feel like a normal human being. I am able to be happy just because I'm happy. There doesn't have to be a reason for my happiness. I am able to actually do stuff, like take care of myself, my daughter, and my house. The dishes and laundry are finally getting done and the house is able to stay somewhat tidy (or at least as tidy as a three-year old will allow it to be). The only problems I've had have been adjusting to my new meds. I have a low tolerance with prescription meds and so for the first week I was super loopy and goofy. It seemed like I was high on something or was totally trashed. But my body has adjusted and now I just feel good.

What's normal?

What does everyone think about as they sit in the sterile, clean, waiting room? Do they all wonder if they're the only ones with any problems? Have any of them tried to commit suicide? They all look normal enough, but what are they hiding? What deep dark secrets do they hold? One woman looks extremely nervous as though she feels she doesn't belong here. One man seems completely indifferent, like he really doesn't care if he gets better or simply blows someone's brains out the back of their head. The last man looks confused and slightly irritated, like he knows he needs to be here, but hates the fact that he is. And me, you might ask? Well, I know I need to be here. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be, but we don't always get what we wish for. The people behind the desk busy themselves with their work, pretending that us waiting room people are perfectly normal; no crazies here! Yet, sometimes I wonder what normal is. Everyone has their little quirks, but where do you draw the line? Some people go to therapy to find meaning in their lives, others actually have issues, while some just want attention. Me? Well, I fit into the "actually have issues" category. A cocktail of medications and therapy keep me balanced and happy, without them, well its just not a pretty sight.

Inside Me It Screams

When you look at me, what do you see?
Do you see someone you like, or wish to be?
When I look at myself, do you know what I see?
I see a frightened child staring back at me.
Behind this mask of a face is what I won’t let you see,
Because the truth of what’s there is too ill to conceive,
A living thing of darkness has come to be.
Stretching and twisting it grows like a tree.
Inside me it screams as it tries to break free,
But how do you face a demon you can’t see?
It’s easier to pretend that you just don’t believe.
So behind a mask of splendor I hide the real me,
Because what’s underneath is too disturbing to see.

Candy Cottage

Once upon a time there was a girl
She lived in a beautiful cottage made of candy
But she was always asleep
Until one day she woke up
And all the walls came tumbling down
She cried out for help, but no one would listen
She was left trapped in the candy rubble
Wondering if she'd ever be saved
But as time passed, she remained unseen
And so the world grew weary of the girl,
Swallowing her up to be forever forgotten

She Sits Alone

She sits alone, day after day
wondering what might come her way.
Maybe true love, maybe romance,
maybe the ability to fly and dance.
She sits and she sits, wondering why
nothing yet has passed her by.
Little did she know if she'd taken the chance
she might have learned to fly and dance.
Instead, she sits alone, day in and day out
never to behold the world without.