Status update

So, I was finally able to get in to see a psychiatrist (which is like trying to go ice-skating in hell). I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar II disorder; which means I don't have the severe mania that is associated with bipolar I, I just get extremely irritable, can't sleep, and have racing thought which they call hypo-mania. Then, when I hit the lows, I hit the extreme lows. Fun stuff, right? Anyway, so that is what's going on with me. I was taken off one of my anti-depressants and had the other cut in half on the dosage. I was also put on a mood stabilizer which helps balance out my highs and lows. I am feeling a whole lot better now. I actually feel like a normal human being. I am able to be happy just because I'm happy. There doesn't have to be a reason for my happiness. I am able to actually do stuff, like take care of myself, my daughter, and my house. The dishes and laundry are finally getting done and the house is able to stay somewhat tidy (or at least as tidy as a three-year old will allow it to be). The only problems I've had have been adjusting to my new meds. I have a low tolerance with prescription meds and so for the first week I was super loopy and goofy. It seemed like I was high on something or was totally trashed. But my body has adjusted and now I just feel good.

What's normal?

What does everyone think about as they sit in the sterile, clean, waiting room? Do they all wonder if they're the only ones with any problems? Have any of them tried to commit suicide? They all look normal enough, but what are they hiding? What deep dark secrets do they hold? One woman looks extremely nervous as though she feels she doesn't belong here. One man seems completely indifferent, like he really doesn't care if he gets better or simply blows someone's brains out the back of their head. The last man looks confused and slightly irritated, like he knows he needs to be here, but hates the fact that he is. And me, you might ask? Well, I know I need to be here. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be, but we don't always get what we wish for. The people behind the desk busy themselves with their work, pretending that us waiting room people are perfectly normal; no crazies here! Yet, sometimes I wonder what normal is. Everyone has their little quirks, but where do you draw the line? Some people go to therapy to find meaning in their lives, others actually have issues, while some just want attention. Me? Well, I fit into the "actually have issues" category. A cocktail of medications and therapy keep me balanced and happy, without them, well its just not a pretty sight.

Inside Me It Screams

When you look at me, what do you see?
Do you see someone you like, or wish to be?
When I look at myself, do you know what I see?
I see a frightened child staring back at me.
Behind this mask of a face is what I won’t let you see,
Because the truth of what’s there is too ill to conceive,
A living thing of darkness has come to be.
Stretching and twisting it grows like a tree.
Inside me it screams as it tries to break free,
But how do you face a demon you can’t see?
It’s easier to pretend that you just don’t believe.
So behind a mask of splendor I hide the real me,
Because what’s underneath is too disturbing to see.

Candy Cottage

Once upon a time there was a girl
She lived in a beautiful cottage made of candy
But she was always asleep
Until one day she woke up
And all the walls came tumbling down
She cried out for help, but no one would listen
She was left trapped in the candy rubble
Wondering if she'd ever be saved
But as time passed, she remained unseen
And so the world grew weary of the girl,
Swallowing her up to be forever forgotten

She Sits Alone

She sits alone, day after day
wondering what might come her way.
Maybe true love, maybe romance,
maybe the ability to fly and dance.
She sits and she sits, wondering why
nothing yet has passed her by.
Little did she know if she'd taken the chance
she might have learned to fly and dance.
Instead, she sits alone, day in and day out
never to behold the world without.

How to explain what we feel?

Do you ever feel like you're standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of your lungs and still no one hears you? I do. It's so hard when no one can even guess or know what's going on unless you tell them. It's not like we've lost all our hair b/c of chemo or are deathly ill, or confined to a wheelchair or hospital bed. No, everything we deal with is internal, all in our mind. Our distorted way of thinking is hard for others to understand unless they have been through it. Everyone always thinks there should or needs to be a reason why we feel the depth of despair that we do. And then when they ask you to explain how you feel, you silently laugh. Do they really want to know? Should I really tell them? Well, they asked for it I guess, so here goes...

It's like sinking inside yourself, drowning with no one there to save you. And then you reach that comfortable state, where you are at peace with your plight. You accept the fact that you are different, that you live in a different mind-set. Life just seems irrelevant as it passes you by, like you're watching a live action movie of your life. Slowly the feelings of others become less and less important, how can you focus on anything other than the black hole eating away at you from the inside out. You become consumed by your despair and let it overrun your mind, wreaking havoc on the rest of your life. And when you get to that point the only light at the end of the long dark tunnel seems to be death, the ultimate release. But you shy away from that prospect b/c of everything you've been taught. You crawl back through the darkness, sluggishly making your way back to the reality you left behind. You finally see the people around you again. The one's you love and who love you. How could you have thought death would solve everything when you have so much to live for here? There are so many people who love you and only now you realize how much. Finally, you let the walls come crashing down, you reach out to the people around you, timidly at first, but then you find yourself clinging to them, afraid that if you let go you will be sucked back into the darkness. You have to admit that you need help and can't do it on your own, and that can be the hardest part of all. You have to accept their help and let them love you and care for you. B/c without them you realize that you wouldn't even be here, that you wouldn't even care. But now there is hope and you do care. Even if that hope comes in the form of a medicine bottle and endless counseling. Isn't it worth it if you can be happy again, to actually feel something other than the aching numbness that you've been carrying around forever? You finally make a stand for yourself and even though it is very hard some days you have to admit that it's better than the nightmarish hell you used to live through. And so you resolve to do your best from day to day, knowing that if you do so you might finally reach that light at the end of the tunnel, but in a different more blissful way. And that is enough for you, that is enough to continue, that is enough to keep you alive.

When you see the look on the other person's face that you have just explained this all too, you want to laugh and cry all at the same time. Their mouth hangs open and their eyes wide in disbelief that one person could truly feel such torment on a daily basis. But even though you have explained, they still don't really comprehend, no one can unless they've experienced it. They try, and bless their hearts for trying, and thank heaven they don't ever have to experience what we do. I wouldn't wish this silent hell on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

The Lie

Hello, I’m the lie living for you so you can hide,
Safe, within the dark corners of your mind.
I go through the motions of your life,
No one will know if we do this right.
I flash a nice smile and no one’s the wiser,
While inside you’re dying, soon to expire.
But wait; what’s that, you want to be free?
Free of the bonds you created that’s me?
No, you need me; you can’t save yourself,
That’s why I’m here, you needed my help.
And so I’ll live for you, while you hide,
Deep within yourself, in me, your lie.

Elucidation

How can I explain to you, that this sadness is not your fault?
How can I say to you, that this despair is eating me whole?
How can I convey to you, that this emptiness is all I feel?
How can I admit to you, that death would be a sweet release?
How can I make clear to you, that my thoughts are not my own?
How can I explain to you, that what stands before you is not me?

To Feel Again

If you touch me I feel your hand
If you hug me I feel your love
If you kiss me I feel your passion
But inside I feel nothing
No flicker of joy lights my soul
My body feels empty, devoid of all that I am
And as I try to uncover what’s buried inside
I’m forced to face the other deep within
A blackness so complete, impenetrable to all
A void sucking at the essence of everything that’s me
How do I recover what’s lost in that black hole?
I fight my own thoughts from controlling my actions
This battle is tiring, this soldier exhausted
I wave my white flag in the darkness
Maybe surrendering won’t be so bad
But then I think of your touch, your hug, your kiss,
And again I make my stand
I long to feel those things you feel
The feelings I once enjoyed
So long I’ve been numb to all
To this emptiness deep inside
To feel again, the joy of life
The feelings I held so dear
This hope is what keeps me from succumbing
To feel again, is why I’m still here.

Still Here

I’m still here; I’m just trapped inside,
Within my mind, is where I hide.
I can see you, can you see me?
Can you hear me crying, please set me free?
Running through the maze, that is my mind,
I search for an out, but there’s none I can find.
I’m lost in myself, my darkness swallowing me,
I reach out to you, pleading, but you can’t hear or see.
I’m still here; I’m still breathing,
Don’t give up on trying to free me.
I’m still here; I’m still me,
Even though this shell is all you see.
It breaks my heart to see your face,
Whenever I am in this place.
But I’m still here, I can still see,
Please, don’t ever give up on me.