Random Poem

Okay, don't everyone get worried (that means you mom), I'm not in a deep depression or anything this is merely a poem I found in my notebook that I'd forgotten I'd even written, so I thought I'd post it.

The Darkness
The darkness has returned to me,
It's eating me alive,
It's staring down its nose at me,
And I feel like a child of five.
It chases me around and round,
But I cannot seem to flee.
And all too soon it has me bound,
Once again engulfing me.

Going through Withdrawal

I had been on a manic high for a while, where I felt great, could get things done, and was simply happy. But now...I'm coming down. I don't like it when I come off a high. I feel like a druggie going through withdrawal. I'm starting to sink into the depths of my mental hell again and it sucks. Literally, I can feel it sucking at me, drawing me in, trying to eat me alive. The sad thing is, as much as I hate to be off my manic highs, I sometimes like my depressive lows because my writing tends to get a little more...creative, you might say. My writing becomes more colorful and vivid, more alive. My characters gain more depth. Possibly because when I am so down they seem to run rampant and be a little closer to the surface than they probably should be. Huh, I really think I am going crazy. Well, at least it could be worse, I suppose. I could be foaming at the mouth, lolling my head around, rocking back-and-forth, pumped full of meds, kind of crazy instead of the level of craziness I've already seemed to have achieved. If that ever happens to me I hope I'm just far enough along in my mental hell to not know what the hell is going on. On that note, have a great day!

Imaginary Friends

I really feel like I have gone completely insane, but maybe this happens to everyone in the world of writers. I have this imaginary world inside my head, where all my imaginary friends abound. They are the characters from stories I have written, ones I am working on, and ones begging me to write about them.

Whenever my muse (the driving force that makes my imagination flow and demands that I write) comes to visit this world and my friends in it seem to take over my brain. I tend to zone out during the day, I'm super spacey (well, more than usual) and all I can think about are the many stories I can create, the different scenario's and character's I can bring to life on paper or in a Word document.

I go through the day with this pressing at the back of my mind and sometimes it consumes me and I simply have to stop what I am doing and jot notes down, or dialogue that pops into my crazy brain. So, I always carry a notepad with me, and I even have one beside my bed, because sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with an idea and I have to write it down or else it bugs me and I can't get back to sleep.

So, am I crazy or just an eccentric author? Maybe both? Whatever the situation, I really don't mind. My imaginary world is a fun, intriguing place and my imaginary friends who reside there are full of surprises and happy that I am able to tell their stories. My favorite out of all of them has to be Mael. He is the most dynamic character I have ever written and he demands that I share more about him; which is becoming a fun project.

Well, there you have it; a glimpse into my crazy mind. I wish I could let you visit, but then I also enjoy having my own private paradise that I can escape to whenever life gets overwhelming and dreary. I think everyone should have their own mental oasis.

Arrrrrgh!

This blog has now officially become a place for not only my poetry, but also my own personal, crazy rantings. So, here is my tirade of the day. Why does everything have to go to crap all at once? It's totally irritating. I am so stressed right now that I can't see straight. I am so tired that I feel like a zombie waiting to fall over because I've died again from becoming so ragged and run-down, yet I still have to do my job of mommy and wife. I am embarrassed because I've had to ask my family for help and rely on them for pretty much everything. I can't keep anything straight or together, I feel like my life is falling apart all around me and I can't do anything to stop it. I am a helpless pawn in some cruel, sadistic game of a madman living in his mom's basement, laughing at my constant misfortune and continually hefting more upon me, merely because it amuses him. I just want to scream, like that would make it better or something. If it would then I'd do it in a heartbeat, well, I have done some, in private. Letting out a sonic scream while you're alone in the car can do wonders.

Whatcha Gonna Do?

So, I feel like a complete failure. I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and he had to up my dosage because I haven't been doing too hot recently, and because of that I feel like I have failed in my struggle to get better. I know that is just my illness speaking, making me think that, but that was how I felt, and still sort of feel. I'd been doing so good for almost a year, and then everything just went down hill and almost went to crap again. Can I ever catch a break?

I was so proud of myself for doing so well for so long and now I feel like I've let everyone down. The whole time I was in his office I just cried, and then kept apologizing for crying. And I couldn't even explain why I was crying. It is so frustrating, usually people like me have triggers that cause their episodes, but not me, not really; I of course have to be the lucky (or unlucky) oddball who just goes crazy at random. Well not crazy, that is a negative thing for me to say, more like I lose control of my thoughts and emotions, and sometimes actions. I get super irritable for no reason at all, or I get super weepy. Sometimes I get into a slump where all I can do (if I remarkably get out of bed) is sit on the couch like a gelatinous blob and stare off into space, completely sad and lost in my own mind.

It's terrible, and those who have never experienced it really have no idea what I go through and cannot grasp the intense sadness I almost forced to feel. My mind works against me in the worst way imaginable, telling me I'm worthless, or that others are judging me because of the way I am, or that I'm a waste of space and might as well off myself just to spare others from dealing with the burden of my presence. Sometimes I want to just shout and scream at everyone to just leave me alone, or cry uncontrollably as if that would explain everything to them, explain the hurt and pain I experience. I just want to...want to what?

Sometimes I don't even know what I want. I just get so overwhelmed with life, and the demands (as minimal as they are) that are expected of me. And I know everyone has to deal with demands and frustrations, and sadness. But they aren't forced to deal with it the way I am, and they would break if they were. So there you have it, I feel like a failure for something I can't even control, pretty stupid isn't it? But that's how I feel. In other words, whatcha gonna do?