Whatcha Gonna Do?

So, I feel like a complete failure. I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and he had to up my dosage because I haven't been doing too hot recently, and because of that I feel like I have failed in my struggle to get better. I know that is just my illness speaking, making me think that, but that was how I felt, and still sort of feel. I'd been doing so good for almost a year, and then everything just went down hill and almost went to crap again. Can I ever catch a break?

I was so proud of myself for doing so well for so long and now I feel like I've let everyone down. The whole time I was in his office I just cried, and then kept apologizing for crying. And I couldn't even explain why I was crying. It is so frustrating, usually people like me have triggers that cause their episodes, but not me, not really; I of course have to be the lucky (or unlucky) oddball who just goes crazy at random. Well not crazy, that is a negative thing for me to say, more like I lose control of my thoughts and emotions, and sometimes actions. I get super irritable for no reason at all, or I get super weepy. Sometimes I get into a slump where all I can do (if I remarkably get out of bed) is sit on the couch like a gelatinous blob and stare off into space, completely sad and lost in my own mind.

It's terrible, and those who have never experienced it really have no idea what I go through and cannot grasp the intense sadness I almost forced to feel. My mind works against me in the worst way imaginable, telling me I'm worthless, or that others are judging me because of the way I am, or that I'm a waste of space and might as well off myself just to spare others from dealing with the burden of my presence. Sometimes I want to just shout and scream at everyone to just leave me alone, or cry uncontrollably as if that would explain everything to them, explain the hurt and pain I experience. I just want to...want to what?

Sometimes I don't even know what I want. I just get so overwhelmed with life, and the demands (as minimal as they are) that are expected of me. And I know everyone has to deal with demands and frustrations, and sadness. But they aren't forced to deal with it the way I am, and they would break if they were. So there you have it, I feel like a failure for something I can't even control, pretty stupid isn't it? But that's how I feel. In other words, whatcha gonna do?