Arrrrrgh!

This blog has now officially become a place for not only my poetry, but also my own personal, crazy rantings. So, here is my tirade of the day. Why does everything have to go to crap all at once? It's totally irritating. I am so stressed right now that I can't see straight. I am so tired that I feel like a zombie waiting to fall over because I've died again from becoming so ragged and run-down, yet I still have to do my job of mommy and wife. I am embarrassed because I've had to ask my family for help and rely on them for pretty much everything. I can't keep anything straight or together, I feel like my life is falling apart all around me and I can't do anything to stop it. I am a helpless pawn in some cruel, sadistic game of a madman living in his mom's basement, laughing at my constant misfortune and continually hefting more upon me, merely because it amuses him. I just want to scream, like that would make it better or something. If it would then I'd do it in a heartbeat, well, I have done some, in private. Letting out a sonic scream while you're alone in the car can do wonders.

Whatcha Gonna Do?

So, I feel like a complete failure. I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and he had to up my dosage because I haven't been doing too hot recently, and because of that I feel like I have failed in my struggle to get better. I know that is just my illness speaking, making me think that, but that was how I felt, and still sort of feel. I'd been doing so good for almost a year, and then everything just went down hill and almost went to crap again. Can I ever catch a break?

I was so proud of myself for doing so well for so long and now I feel like I've let everyone down. The whole time I was in his office I just cried, and then kept apologizing for crying. And I couldn't even explain why I was crying. It is so frustrating, usually people like me have triggers that cause their episodes, but not me, not really; I of course have to be the lucky (or unlucky) oddball who just goes crazy at random. Well not crazy, that is a negative thing for me to say, more like I lose control of my thoughts and emotions, and sometimes actions. I get super irritable for no reason at all, or I get super weepy. Sometimes I get into a slump where all I can do (if I remarkably get out of bed) is sit on the couch like a gelatinous blob and stare off into space, completely sad and lost in my own mind.

It's terrible, and those who have never experienced it really have no idea what I go through and cannot grasp the intense sadness I almost forced to feel. My mind works against me in the worst way imaginable, telling me I'm worthless, or that others are judging me because of the way I am, or that I'm a waste of space and might as well off myself just to spare others from dealing with the burden of my presence. Sometimes I want to just shout and scream at everyone to just leave me alone, or cry uncontrollably as if that would explain everything to them, explain the hurt and pain I experience. I just want to...want to what?

Sometimes I don't even know what I want. I just get so overwhelmed with life, and the demands (as minimal as they are) that are expected of me. And I know everyone has to deal with demands and frustrations, and sadness. But they aren't forced to deal with it the way I am, and they would break if they were. So there you have it, I feel like a failure for something I can't even control, pretty stupid isn't it? But that's how I feel. In other words, whatcha gonna do?